We will be outside Shoppers Drug Mart in Strathroy on June 9th from 11-3 serving up delicious bugers and hotdogs! All proceeds will support the programs and services of WRRC. Hope to see you there!
to end abuse against women and children
Friday, June 1, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
The Modern Woman
I’m sorry” she whispered, tears in her eyes, “I don’t normally do this”.
“This” was to ask for help, to receive help, to accept that which we had to give, rather than continue on her path of society’s culturally accepted vision of the “modern woman”. It was evident that she had passed judgement on herself as being inadequate as a woman and a mother. Her self judgement is not only attributable to her situation as a woman impacted by abuse, but also as a woman of western society. The prevalent message is not only that we can have it all, but that we can do it all, under any set of circumstances.
When a loved one dies, are we not quick to offer words of support, often beginning with “if there is anything I can do”? It is offered quickly and sincerely, we really do want to help in some tangible way. Yet rarely is the offer taken. Our belief is that somehow others soldier on, without any physical or emotional supports. To accept would somehow be a diminishment of our status as women.
So, before me is a woman who not only struggles with the aftermath of abuse, but also with the intricacies of institutions and agencies which have become a part of her life as she works towards creating a safer and healthier life for her two young sons. Lacking food on her shelves, facing crushing stress and uncertainty, she was referred here for assistance. Food, diapers for her infant son, and an appointment to meet with a counsellor, she turns to me and her emotional expressions of appreciation are almost more than I can bear. I want to make it all better. I cannot. I want to take away her pain, I cannot. I want to make her believe that she is not a weak and inadequate mother, I cannot. I can however, because of this centre, provide her with opportunities to begin the path of healing and create a healthier image of what it means to be a “modern woman”.
As International Woman’s Day approaches, consider what your vision of a “modern woman” is and feel free to join us for our Open House on March 8th. Take a tour, speak to staff and perhaps even a survivor or two.
“This” was to ask for help, to receive help, to accept that which we had to give, rather than continue on her path of society’s culturally accepted vision of the “modern woman”. It was evident that she had passed judgement on herself as being inadequate as a woman and a mother. Her self judgement is not only attributable to her situation as a woman impacted by abuse, but also as a woman of western society. The prevalent message is not only that we can have it all, but that we can do it all, under any set of circumstances.
When a loved one dies, are we not quick to offer words of support, often beginning with “if there is anything I can do”? It is offered quickly and sincerely, we really do want to help in some tangible way. Yet rarely is the offer taken. Our belief is that somehow others soldier on, without any physical or emotional supports. To accept would somehow be a diminishment of our status as women.
So, before me is a woman who not only struggles with the aftermath of abuse, but also with the intricacies of institutions and agencies which have become a part of her life as she works towards creating a safer and healthier life for her two young sons. Lacking food on her shelves, facing crushing stress and uncertainty, she was referred here for assistance. Food, diapers for her infant son, and an appointment to meet with a counsellor, she turns to me and her emotional expressions of appreciation are almost more than I can bear. I want to make it all better. I cannot. I want to take away her pain, I cannot. I want to make her believe that she is not a weak and inadequate mother, I cannot. I can however, because of this centre, provide her with opportunities to begin the path of healing and create a healthier image of what it means to be a “modern woman”.
As International Woman’s Day approaches, consider what your vision of a “modern woman” is and feel free to join us for our Open House on March 8th. Take a tour, speak to staff and perhaps even a survivor or two.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Peace and Goodwill
My first Christmas at Women’s Rural Resource Centre and I stood in the reception area, trying to take in the generosity before me. Colourful wrapping paper, toys of all shapes and sizes for all stages and ages. The generosity of individuals, families, groups and sponsors took my breath away. From time to time I even found myself “choking up” as I helped unload packages and parcels from cars, vans and pickups. This is what the Christmas/holiday season is about, but even within this season of peace and goodwill can be found disquieting or uncharitable thoughts. Is it a Grinch in the community of whom I am thinking? No, this one is on me (and maybe a few others too.)
As the volunteer coordinator, part of my job is the education and training of new volunteers. One of the many messages is that abuse is not found in just one income group but in all. I know this and I teach this, but apparently only partly believe this.
Statistically, when a woman leaves a relationship (abusive or otherwise), her income and standard of living drops. New financial challenges appear and the means to meet them become more complex. Leaving an abusive relationship requires courage to face the many challenges and this can include the material benefits we can no longer provide to our children. It’s very common for the hamper requests we receive to contain detailed lists for the kids and very modest ones for the moms.
The contents of these hamper wish lists returns me to my Grinch like thinking. So, if a family asks for a TV, X- box with games, e-reader or i-pod, why am I uncomfortable with this? Commercials everywhere tout all the Christmas deals to be had and even market them as your kids deserve them. Whether you believe the marketing is fodder for another discussion, but my discomfort in seeing these on a wish list begs the question –why. Is it related to my personal values or is it related to unconscious beliefs about what a “disadvantaged” person can rightly ask for? Am I a part of society that harbours the notion that “those people” should be happy with the basics?
Bothered by this reaction and even the sentiment, I chose to reflect and to discuss with colleagues, family and friends. Their input, perspective and thought provided me the information I was looking for. I also listened. I listened and observed the reactions of the moms who came to pick up the hampers. These were not princess divas. They were moms able to experience the sheer joy of having items under the tree; items that previously would have been provided had abuse not been a factor in their lives.
So, as I do this work, I realize the gifts that have been given to me. At the top of the list is an opportunity to challenge ideas I didn’t know I held. Then humility, as I realize how much I have to learn and all the people willing to help me. To each of you reading this, I wish you the sentiments of the season – peace and goodwill.
As the volunteer coordinator, part of my job is the education and training of new volunteers. One of the many messages is that abuse is not found in just one income group but in all. I know this and I teach this, but apparently only partly believe this.
Statistically, when a woman leaves a relationship (abusive or otherwise), her income and standard of living drops. New financial challenges appear and the means to meet them become more complex. Leaving an abusive relationship requires courage to face the many challenges and this can include the material benefits we can no longer provide to our children. It’s very common for the hamper requests we receive to contain detailed lists for the kids and very modest ones for the moms.
The contents of these hamper wish lists returns me to my Grinch like thinking. So, if a family asks for a TV, X- box with games, e-reader or i-pod, why am I uncomfortable with this? Commercials everywhere tout all the Christmas deals to be had and even market them as your kids deserve them. Whether you believe the marketing is fodder for another discussion, but my discomfort in seeing these on a wish list begs the question –why. Is it related to my personal values or is it related to unconscious beliefs about what a “disadvantaged” person can rightly ask for? Am I a part of society that harbours the notion that “those people” should be happy with the basics?
Bothered by this reaction and even the sentiment, I chose to reflect and to discuss with colleagues, family and friends. Their input, perspective and thought provided me the information I was looking for. I also listened. I listened and observed the reactions of the moms who came to pick up the hampers. These were not princess divas. They were moms able to experience the sheer joy of having items under the tree; items that previously would have been provided had abuse not been a factor in their lives.
So, as I do this work, I realize the gifts that have been given to me. At the top of the list is an opportunity to challenge ideas I didn’t know I held. Then humility, as I realize how much I have to learn and all the people willing to help me. To each of you reading this, I wish you the sentiments of the season – peace and goodwill.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Safety Planning
It seems ironic that November is woman abuse awareness and prevention month and there would be a very public incident in Strathroy that would result in a local school going to a shut down because of a “domestic issue”. Not surprisingly, some of the “chatter” in the community was concern for the safety of children attending the school; less so for the people actually affected. For those who still think that these are isolated incidents that happen to other people in other communities, it’s a bit of a wake up call.
The shut down response is the result of a safety plan for the staff and students and is applicable to any school within the Thames Valley school division. The women who come to us for assistance are also encouraged to create their own safety plans. What does this entail? First and foremost it is a discussion to assess their risk of physical and emotional safety and to create a series of precautions they can take to prevent harm to themselves or their children. It kind of makes you sit back and think – doesn’t it? Home, work, school and other places that we may go – all requiring thought as how best to keep one safe. If you’ve ever asked the question, “why don’t they leave?” this is one part of the equation. Faced with controlling one’s immediate surroundings or trying to plan for all the places you go, can be overwhelming. Isolation and the feeling of no one to turn could result in a woman staying in a relationship long past what most of us would find tolerable. It makes you realize how vulnerable we can be when faced with violence.
The school board sets in place very definite protocols and is able to do so when they are not under threat. The schools plan for a possible worst case scenario, while many women are living it. Yet, with the help of staff at the Women’s Rural Resource Centre, they are able to assess and address their own particular concerns. This includes the safest rooms in their homes, ensuring their house number is visible and to be aware of the safe people they can rely on. People like neighbours, friends or even partner’s families.
So the next time you hear of a “domestic issue” that impacts your feeling of safety for yourself or your children, remember that this is a daily occurrence for hundreds of women in our area alone. It is far less likely that one of these incidents will impact you directly, but it is possible that you might be in a position to step up and be a “safe person.” Are you willing to come out of the “neighbourhood lockdown” and instead be a safe haven? Open your door, open your mind and be that person.
The shut down response is the result of a safety plan for the staff and students and is applicable to any school within the Thames Valley school division. The women who come to us for assistance are also encouraged to create their own safety plans. What does this entail? First and foremost it is a discussion to assess their risk of physical and emotional safety and to create a series of precautions they can take to prevent harm to themselves or their children. It kind of makes you sit back and think – doesn’t it? Home, work, school and other places that we may go – all requiring thought as how best to keep one safe. If you’ve ever asked the question, “why don’t they leave?” this is one part of the equation. Faced with controlling one’s immediate surroundings or trying to plan for all the places you go, can be overwhelming. Isolation and the feeling of no one to turn could result in a woman staying in a relationship long past what most of us would find tolerable. It makes you realize how vulnerable we can be when faced with violence.
The school board sets in place very definite protocols and is able to do so when they are not under threat. The schools plan for a possible worst case scenario, while many women are living it. Yet, with the help of staff at the Women’s Rural Resource Centre, they are able to assess and address their own particular concerns. This includes the safest rooms in their homes, ensuring their house number is visible and to be aware of the safe people they can rely on. People like neighbours, friends or even partner’s families.
So the next time you hear of a “domestic issue” that impacts your feeling of safety for yourself or your children, remember that this is a daily occurrence for hundreds of women in our area alone. It is far less likely that one of these incidents will impact you directly, but it is possible that you might be in a position to step up and be a “safe person.” Are you willing to come out of the “neighbourhood lockdown” and instead be a safe haven? Open your door, open your mind and be that person.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
So if there is nothing new about abuse, why is there nothing old about abuse?
Recently I was a co-facilitator in a women’s education/support group. This is a group that I have ran before and look forward to running again. Any opportunity that provides me the space to both teach ( women) and be taught( by women) I find very exciting. Anyway, this group is a 12 week group that is closed; meaning that once we are into the second week of the group new people can not join. During the 12 sessions women tend to become very close knit and build relationships that last and grow outside of the group.
The educational focus of the group focuses on things like providing women with the understanding of what an abusive and a healthy relationship are, tactics people use to gain and/or maintain power and control in a relationship, the impact of abuse, coping skills, self esteem, women and anger etc. Women also learn how culture and various societal institutions further perpetuate the oppression and violence against women.
The support aspect of the group comes in many forms; beginning with the first women offering another woman a ride to or from group, to the passing of a Kleenex box, to the nodding in agreement during the telling of a experience and moving to the understanding that they are not alone in their experience or alone in their journey of healing.
About midway through the group each woman is given the opportunity to tell her story. Most women at this point have told their story a zillion times by this point. They have spoken to family, to friends, to police, to lawyers, to doctors and nurses, to victims service support persons, to shelter workers, to employers, to babysitters and landlords. They have told, and told, and told, and told all to suit the purposes of another. So police can lay charges, so doctors and nurses can assess and treat, so friends and family can support, so they can be safe in a shelter, so their employers will understand their need for time off or help keep them safe while at work, so daycare providers can understand their children’s needs and often to landlords when they give their notice to vacate.
I have often heard people say that there is healing in the telling of your story, the sharing of your pain. I have heard that having someone bear witness to your story that your experience is somehow validated and that it decreases the “isolation” of it all. I have very rarely witnessed any healing from the telling of a story when it is told to suit someone else’s need. I suppose it does help in the retelling that women appear to become numb and detached from their experience- for the interim anyway for the healing journey is a long one and you must first come through the storm so to speak.
I have, however, been witness to the amazing healing and power that comes to women in group as they tell their story. They tell for their own reasons, they tell in a safe place, to people they trust in a manner which feels good and not invasive or prying. They speak, usually with tears streaming, from their hearts and their souls. They speak of pain and suffering, of resilence and bravey, of fear and love and of past and present. They tell their story, their personal experience, their truths in a place wrapped in love and compassion, in fornt of those who understand in ways that others, we hope, will never.
For most this is the zillionth time of telling their story yet it’s the first time in telling it for themselves, in honour of themselves. They share in the way they want to share, without questions- for their own reasons!
The educational focus of the group focuses on things like providing women with the understanding of what an abusive and a healthy relationship are, tactics people use to gain and/or maintain power and control in a relationship, the impact of abuse, coping skills, self esteem, women and anger etc. Women also learn how culture and various societal institutions further perpetuate the oppression and violence against women.
The support aspect of the group comes in many forms; beginning with the first women offering another woman a ride to or from group, to the passing of a Kleenex box, to the nodding in agreement during the telling of a experience and moving to the understanding that they are not alone in their experience or alone in their journey of healing.
About midway through the group each woman is given the opportunity to tell her story. Most women at this point have told their story a zillion times by this point. They have spoken to family, to friends, to police, to lawyers, to doctors and nurses, to victims service support persons, to shelter workers, to employers, to babysitters and landlords. They have told, and told, and told, and told all to suit the purposes of another. So police can lay charges, so doctors and nurses can assess and treat, so friends and family can support, so they can be safe in a shelter, so their employers will understand their need for time off or help keep them safe while at work, so daycare providers can understand their children’s needs and often to landlords when they give their notice to vacate.
I have often heard people say that there is healing in the telling of your story, the sharing of your pain. I have heard that having someone bear witness to your story that your experience is somehow validated and that it decreases the “isolation” of it all. I have very rarely witnessed any healing from the telling of a story when it is told to suit someone else’s need. I suppose it does help in the retelling that women appear to become numb and detached from their experience- for the interim anyway for the healing journey is a long one and you must first come through the storm so to speak.
I have, however, been witness to the amazing healing and power that comes to women in group as they tell their story. They tell for their own reasons, they tell in a safe place, to people they trust in a manner which feels good and not invasive or prying. They speak, usually with tears streaming, from their hearts and their souls. They speak of pain and suffering, of resilence and bravey, of fear and love and of past and present. They tell their story, their personal experience, their truths in a place wrapped in love and compassion, in fornt of those who understand in ways that others, we hope, will never.
For most this is the zillionth time of telling their story yet it’s the first time in telling it for themselves, in honour of themselves. They share in the way they want to share, without questions- for their own reasons!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Parents: Why You Should Think Twice About What Your Children Are Watching
As a stepmom, I have to tread lightly when I make a conscious decision to go against the grain concerning specific household rules and restrictions. But of course, I blame it on the stereotypical portrayal of stepmothers in fairytales and Disney movies that paint us all as just plan evil. How can we win? It’s already predisposed that we are there to make our stepchild’s life horrible –we couldn’t possibly care could we? All jokes aside, I do care – which is why I have taken the time to understand the types media in what is know as the Generation M (multi-tasking, multi-media environment) of today.
Finally we can confidently say that there is evidence that media violence is one of the causal factors of real-life violence and aggression (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2009). Media violence is not limited to the “pow, bam” actions of characters of our day, but extends to instances of abuse (emotional, physical, financial, or verbal), sexual assault, harassment, destruction of property, destructive forces of nature (violent storms or systems), forceful destruction of property, hate speech, conflict, and substance use and abuse. So how do movies, television shows, songs, videos, video games, etc. containing violence impact our children? They can: Scare or traumatize, promote stereotypes, promote high-risk behaviors (sexual behaviors and attitudes, alcohol use, etc.), encourages imitation, alters brain development, models negative relationships, causes emotional desensitization, and stimulates violent or aggressive behavior.
Considering the above information, we as parents need to monitor and manage our children’s media environments. This is where I always hear the question, “How can I have such rules in my home when all my child’s friends are allowed to do whatever they want?” We can’t protect our children from all media, but what we can do is have conversations with them about the media in their lives. It may be a battle at first but it is our children that are rewarded in the end. For information regarding the media your children are partaking in, visit commonsensemedia.org. It’s a great site with ratings and sample conversation starters for you and your children.
As a parent I recommend you:
Participate and Share
Act Appropriately
Research, Ratings and Reviews
Examine Consequences
Need Rules and Restrictions
Take Action
Supervision for Safety
So remember – you can do it! You are the parent. I have successfully put in place rules and restrictions regarding the media viewed in my household and I’m a stepmom at that! For more information regarding media violence and internet safety, contact Mandy C. at 519-246-1526 ext. 255 or mandyc@wrrcsa.org.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Critical Thinking Takes a Back Seat to Nostalgia Marketing
Critical Thinking Takes a Back Seat to Nostalgia Marketing
Recently I watched Cape Fear and could shake my head at the outdated premise of the need to bury a report of a victim’s promiscuous past, so that the sexual assault charge would stick. Wow I thought, how things have changed. Or not.
Movies, ad slogans, slang...perhaps we haven’t come very far at all. We can’t just blame the media however, as we must all take responsibility for critical thinking and that seems to be in short supply. An American brewery, whose billboards are showing up north of the border, essentially says buy x brand and get the girl. Discussion around this billboard has included statements such as “well, I don’t agree with the message, but the girls have been a part of their ads for a long time.” Or one comment indicated that the ad was iconic because of the way the women were displayed. Yes, displayed. Since the “girls” are clothed in classic 50’s garb, this is passed off as harmless and somewhat nostalgic. What exactly are we nostalgic about?
Second Hand Smoke Kills, So Does Gender Inequality
One woman told me that the ad is a classic icon of a time gone by. Would there be a similar fond amusement if we were to post a picture of that same can of brand x with a black man holding shoe shine supplies and a caption that read buy the beer and get a shoe shine. Shoe shines and the eager black “boy” is offensive; why is the 50’s willing gal any less so? Are we really ready to continue the messaging that anyone is available to be given or won?
What’s the harm you say, it’s just an ad? Really? Is that why smoking is no longer promoted? Just as the invisible waft of a cigarette makes its way to our lungs, so too does the implications of people who can be “won”, permeate our minds. Unless we, men and women, stand up and take notice and speak out against these messages, we will continue to suffer the effects of gender inequality.
Frances Hickmott
Recently I watched Cape Fear and could shake my head at the outdated premise of the need to bury a report of a victim’s promiscuous past, so that the sexual assault charge would stick. Wow I thought, how things have changed. Or not.
Movies, ad slogans, slang...perhaps we haven’t come very far at all. We can’t just blame the media however, as we must all take responsibility for critical thinking and that seems to be in short supply. An American brewery, whose billboards are showing up north of the border, essentially says buy x brand and get the girl. Discussion around this billboard has included statements such as “well, I don’t agree with the message, but the girls have been a part of their ads for a long time.” Or one comment indicated that the ad was iconic because of the way the women were displayed. Yes, displayed. Since the “girls” are clothed in classic 50’s garb, this is passed off as harmless and somewhat nostalgic. What exactly are we nostalgic about?
Second Hand Smoke Kills, So Does Gender Inequality
One woman told me that the ad is a classic icon of a time gone by. Would there be a similar fond amusement if we were to post a picture of that same can of brand x with a black man holding shoe shine supplies and a caption that read buy the beer and get a shoe shine. Shoe shines and the eager black “boy” is offensive; why is the 50’s willing gal any less so? Are we really ready to continue the messaging that anyone is available to be given or won?
What’s the harm you say, it’s just an ad? Really? Is that why smoking is no longer promoted? Just as the invisible waft of a cigarette makes its way to our lungs, so too does the implications of people who can be “won”, permeate our minds. Unless we, men and women, stand up and take notice and speak out against these messages, we will continue to suffer the effects of gender inequality.
Frances Hickmott
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